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Feb, 2010

I Love You. You're Disgusting.

Ready for a little TMI? If you’re not, then too bad. Read about the glamour, the beauty of the motherhood that is my reality right now. I dare you…

I was ill prepared for how disgusting motherhood would be. It started right away too – pregnancy is so gross. I don’t care how much you LOVED being pregnant (I didn’t), you have to admit it was rude. The gallons of toxic vaginal mucous and crusty stuff coming out of my nipples made me wish I had saved all those latte dollars for a surrogate.

At any rate, I made it through. Then came the super yucky delivery – placenta pate anyone? Truly horrifying recovery – fourth degree tear, couldn’t wipe my ass clean after a bowel movement for almost two months. And infancy – poop pee poop pee poop pee and so on and so on and so on. I had changed dirty diapers before, as a babysitter in my teens, but I was really disenchanted by the other grossness of motherhood.

My little girl, Aubrey, is almost three. Three in June. She’s sweet and kind. Snuggly and girly. She loves her baby doll and her stuffed animals. She loves to smell flowers and help mommy bake in the kitchen. She’s also the grossest person I’ve ever met. Every day seems to bring a new level of yuck into our home, especially since using the toilet is still so funny, exciting and scary all at once. Lots of potty talk.

Now, before I go any further, I’d like to state that I do NOT have a weak stomach. I grew up with three older brothers and it’s almost impossible to truly gross me out. I just can’t believe how rude motherhood can be.

These are three actual, verbatim conversations I’ve had with Aubrey recently:

(Opening to Aubrey’s bedroom door upon waking up in the morning.)
Aubrey: Mommy! Look! (running up her bed to her pillow, pointing to a gray, crusty blob on the wall) That came out of my nose!!
Me: Wow! That’s great sweetie! Is that a big boogie?
Aubrey: YEAH!!

(She was SO excited.)
(Aubrey sitting on the toilet but not going potty, starts poking around down under. Like REALLY down under, to door number two. Then she sniffs her index finger and yells.)
Aubrey: What’s that smell?! (holding her finger out to me) Smell it mommy!
Me: No thank you. I don’t want to smell your finger. Are you done trying? Let’s wash your hands.
(Aubrey is digging ferociously in her ear with her pinky. She pulls it out and offers it to me.)
Aubrey: Taste it mommy!
Me: Ummmm… no thanks.

I often wonder why I still like this person. If this were an adult, I would not want to hang out with them. Young children are so primal – like little animals. Sometimes I feel like I have a magical talking pet in the house. And it’s times like these that make me realize the mother child bond really is something special. There’s no one else in the world whose offer of “smell my finger” after touching their butt, would make me laugh and inspire me to write.

I know it’s my job to teach her it’s inappropriate to do these things. The trick is to do it without making her ashamed of or self conscious about her body or feel like she’s naughty for exploring her world. It’s a fine line and no one wants their child to be the gross-out kid at school.

I’m enjoying the humor in all of this while I can because I know, soon enough, my daughter will be a big kid who likes the feeling of being clean, washing her hands and brushing her teeth all on her own. I think it’s right around that time she will start thinking I’m totally lame and embarrassing and I’ll be writing about ungratefulness instead. So for now, I’ll take the boogers and stinky fingers in exchange for all the hugs, kisses and I love you mommys. Totally worth it. Gross, but worth it.

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Feb, 2010

Funk Funk In a FUNK!

Life is busy. Too busy. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m going to try to move at the end of this month and now that I’ve made up my mind to get the heck out of Dodge (well, Sherman Oaks) I can’t find a place. Searching for the right home is a lot like having another job. Lots of research, phone calls, meetings, discussions and decisions. Granted, I’ve only been looking a couple weeks, but I’m already super frustrated.

After viewing several places that just weren’t it, we found a great town home in the perfect neighborhood. We hustled to get our application in and then we sat and… waited. The next day the leasing agent told me the owner is considering moving back in!! WHAT?!!! She didn’t have the entire story yet and said she would get back to me as soon as she new the details. Ugh.
So… we wait some more. In the mean time, I’m finding there is almost no inventory in our price range, in the neighborhoods we want.
I’m the kind of person who likes to get on with the getting on once I make up my mind and now that I’ve decided I want out of this current house, I’m going nuts having to wait and having few other options to look at.
If anyone out there has a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 car garage house/town house/duplex in Woodland Hills/Warner Center area, that they would like to rent to my LOVELY family and me, please, for the love of God, let me know.

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Feb, 2010

Another Year, Another Move

I’m not exactly sure, but I think I have moved EVERY DAMN YEAR since 2003 or 2004. And moved a hell of a lot before that too. Always different reasons. Some involving a man (rather not talk about it), a roommate, baby being born, landlord changes, etc. Said baby is a toddler now, I have happily shed said man, I’m getting older and, believe it or not, I’m in a relationship that might actually last – I’m feeling the need to fluff up the nest and stay a while. Problem is, I live in one of the most expensive counties in the US, but I love it. Furthermore, I have shared custody of my child and for me that means I’m here for now unless I want to ditch my kid. So…

I am currently renting a small house in a neighborhood that I LOVE, but the house can kiss my ass.
Here are the loves:
– Location, location, location! Great safe neighborhood, close to park, mall, stores, restaurants, quiet street, can hop right on to two of the biggest freeways in minutes. It’s uber convenient!
– Quality of life – I have several very wonderful friends within a couple miles or less of my front door. Some are even within walking distance.
– Love the house size and design
Here’s the not so much:
– This little house’s utilities are killing me! Power and gas are sky high and rent ain’t cheap. BUT rent ain’t cheap anywhere decent in L.A. County
– Old house is drafty and cold in winter – but cool in summer. Freezing my tush off right now. No insulation and the walls are paper thin.
– Pool – fun, but not worth the cost and liability with little ones around
– Maintenance crew is slower than a retarded snail (house is owned by an apt complex company)
– Major ant problem. Major.
– Electric dryer hook up. REALLY? Lame. Expensive.
– Why are my washer and dryer in my kitchen? REALLY? Lame. Noisy. Dusty.
– General condition of the house is not so great. Not immediately noticeable, visually, but the kind of old house BS that makes me REALLY glad I don’t own this place.
It’s been a nice little house to rent temporarily, but it’s just not where I want to stay for long. Aubrey will be starting pre-school this summer and I guess I’d rather get on with the getting on now and get it over with. I’d love to find a place to stay put in and, sadly, this just isn’t it.
Sick Of Moving

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