My Misery Does Not Love Company
I sat outside for the last hour and a half and got a small sampling of the Perseid shower from my backyard. I wish I could stay up later to see it when it’s more visible, but alas, I have to be at the dentist tomorrow morning at 8am for crown #2 prep. Don’t be jealous.
Anyway, I saw at least four or five meteors and staring up at the sky, in solitude, was both beautiful and humbling. I don’t know about you, but sometimes witnessing something massive makes me ache a wee bit. I felt the same way when I visited Sequoia National Park and saw the tremendous redwoods. Small and alone.
Strangely, I’m very comfortable with feeling alone in the universe. Maybe because I come from abandonment and spend a large part of my childhood feeling alone, betrayed and misunderstood.
There is so much talk about depression swirling around social media and the internet following Robin Williams’ passing. I suffered from a bout of depression in my youth (pretty much a blur now) and once again, after the birth of my beloved Aubrey. While I never felt I would take my own life, I am familiar with the dark cloud of hopelessness that is depression and I hope to never sit beneath it again. I am fortunate that my experience with depression has been episodic rather than chronic. I can not imagine what it is like to wrestle with that beast regularly.
So just tonight, while sitting beneath a sprinkle of flashing meteors, I remembered that a quote from one of Robin Williams’ movies was what helped me make sense of some of the harder times in my life and I recall it almost every time I have a personal struggle.
Robin Williams’ Russian defector character “Vladimir Ivanoff” from the 1984 movie “Moscow On The Hudson”:
“When I was in Russia, I did not love my life, but I loved my misery. You know why? Because it was MY misery. I could hold it. I could caress it. It was my misery.”
That one scene from that one movie helped me learn to embrace the struggles in life as a part of the journey. To love even the worst moments because they belong to no one else. I have experienced the greatest joy making a life that is mine and mine alone.
So maybe I’m a freak or just an extreme introvert, but the sensation of being alone – that ache, that pang – is one that gives me clarity and makes me feel alive like nothing else. For this, I am so grateful.
If you can, do yourself a favor and go outside right now. Look up and feel small.
NYC Like A Grownup
I’m happy to report I’m officially out of my funk. I know you were all on pins and needles wondering, “I wonder if Amy is still freaking out about her life?” Well, I’m still a little freaked out, but feeling fine about that. I think this is one of the traits that artistic folks share is that we’re ok with the unknown. We even embrace it at times. We are, however, allowed to have a miniature nervous breakdown every once in a while.
So now that that’s over, we’re getting back to life as normal. I’m writing from good ol’ Stage 5 on the Fox lot in L.A. Aubrey is shooting her first scene of season six and it feels like we never left. Seriously, this felt like the shortest hiatus yet, but I think that just means we were having a really great summer. It flew by like… like something that flies by really fast. I got nothing.
After Aubrey’s done working tonight, I shall embark on my own much needed adventure: a last minute trip to NYC to have fun. That’s it. Just to have fun. Stay with some girlfriends, visit college friends, take in some Broadway shows, eat some great food and then back home. Once again, the main purpose of this trip is to have fun. It’s time for me to reset my sanity meter and enjoy some of life’s great pleasures without Aubrey. Not that she isn’t fun. Don’t get me wrong, but last time I was in NYC with Aubrey, she wanted to eat at The Olive Garden in Times Square. And we did. Let me repeat that: We ate at The Olive Garden In Times Square. I also spent $100 EACH for us to have “Tea With Eloise At The Plaza” and it sucked. Like totally SUCKED. The Plaza should be ashamed. Anyway, I’m going to NYC like a grown up this time and I can’t wait.
I shall perform the following activities during this NYC trip for me and for me only:
– cutting up food
– butt wiping
– hair shampooing and rinsing
– shoelace tying
– teeth brushing
– blowing on food that is too hot
– carrying shit
– reading anything
It’s gonna be great!!