12
Jun, 2014

In preparation for a move at the end of this month – only a few miles away so no need to freak out – I have been gradually going through piles, closets and drawers of things. A giant purge is taking place and even though it is slow and painstaking, I know how good it will feel to shed some dead weight.

I just completed the mostly horrible task of cleaning out a 4-drawer file cabinet. Self-employment in the entertainment industry (contract after contract = PAPER!!!!) and life in general, really stacked up on me over the years. But I did come across some gems like the original artwork for my old pet care business logo. It’s still so cute! And hand-written journals from 2003-2004. Almost every entry talked about how broke I was and how much I was struggling:

“I told my friend Jennie I didn’t think I could afford to pay my rent this month and that I might have to ask my parents for help and she just GAVE me $200. I don’t know what I did to deserve such great friends but I swear I’m going to be the most generous friend when I have money.”

Things have changed a lot since that journal entry. Two major and dysfunctional relationships started and ended, I had a child and somewhere after that 2nd shitty relationship, I found an independence and peace in my life that was worth the struggle. And even through the hardest of times with no money, becoming a single-mother who often couldn’t afford gasoline or groceries, I still loved this city and knew I was where I was meant to be.

I don’t know if I’ve been such a generous friend, but I try and reading some of those old entries reminded me to appreciate how far I’ve come since my dog walking days. I have been in L.A. for almost 13 years now and I love it more than ever. She is the city that told me to keep going when I didn’t know how, she gave me a career, a home and the best friends possible and I can’t think of a more magical backdrop for the life of my daughter.

Here’s to the next chapter in our lives! I can’t wait for the next adventure and if anyone wants a dented, upright, 4-drawer, metal file cabinet – it’s yours if you can take it out of here.

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25
May, 2014

I’m not the type to jump on social media bandwagons, especially not “hashtag activism” but, I felt this one was worthy of my attention and time. The #YesAllWomen hashtag that popped up after the Elliot Rodger murders and suicide in Isla Vista/Santa Barbara has taken on a life of its own and I would imagine the woman who scrolls through this Twitter hashtag feed and doesn’t read several things that resonate with her, is rare indeed. Perhaps non-existent. This feed is compelling. thought provoking, upsetting, disturbing and truthful.

We live in a world where women and girls live in fear of men. Unfortunately, this is fact. For all of the maniacs (especially women) who are going to freak out at this statement and say “I don’t live in fear of men!!” Calm down. Don’t get your undies in a bundle. I don’t mean every second of every day or every man in the world. I know not every man is a murderer or rapist and not every man is violent or abusive. But there are several different levels of fear and our society and culture feeds this malignancy.

Why did it take such a tragic event for people to start talking? Is social media helping or harming? I generally hate the political side of social media and stay away from it, but I’m glad to see these thoughts being put out there. Wherever “there” is. What is happening online is not a real dialogue. Few things online are real.  But hopefully this feed sparks some real dialogues. Helps people put down their smartphones a little bit and discuss a real issue.

I am 41 yrs old and I have experienced NUMEROUS assaults, threats and abuses from men and boys throughout my life. From early childhood until fairly recently. Physical, sexual, verbal. Some were men I knew, some were strangers. Unfortunately, I’m not special. I’m not a survivor or a victim. I’m a regular person. We need to stop being so clandestine about how common this is and, perhaps, #YesAllWomen is a small step forward.

We hold fast to the stereotype of the woman who is a victim of abuse. She’s weak, she’s unintelligent, she’s desperate for attention, she has low self-esteem, she dresses inappropriately, she’s a flirt, she’s a bitch. I don’t think anyone who knows me would describe me in any of these ways and the bottom line is that these stereotypes are irrelevant.

When I was pregnant with Aubrey and when she was an androgynous looking infant people constantly asked me, “Boy or girl?” When I told them “girl”, here are the standard responses I got:

– Good luck, girls are hard
– They’re cute when they’re little, but they are horrible as teenagers
– I have both and boys are so much easier
– I’d take a boy over a girl any day
– Girls are so emotional. Wait until the tween years.
– I’m so glad I have/had boys
– Girls are so cute, but boys are easier to raise

…and on and on and on. I still hear these types of remarks today and she’s almost 7 yrs old.

Why is it that we treat girls’ natural emotional and expressive personalities as “difficult” “bitchy” “scary” but assume boys’ sullen, withdrawn, quiet personalities as “easy to raise” when a hell-fire storm of unfathomable proportions could be brewing just below the surface? Maybe we think boys are so easy to raise because we aren’t actually raising them.

What Elliot Rodger did was horrifying. It was extreme and it wasn’t typical. But his attitude towards women falls within a very common misogynistic norm in our society that is mostly ignored and, at times, even celebrated.

Please read the #YesAllWomen hashtag feed on Twitter and if you don’t have a Twitter account or you’re like my parents and have no idea what Twitter is, here is a link that will give you a sampling:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alanwhite/twitter-responds-to-santa-barbara-shootings-with-yesallwomen

If you’ve been under a rock, and don’t know about the Elliot Rodger murders that happened on May 23, 2014 in the Santa Barbara, CA area, here is the Google search result.

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01
Apr, 2014

OK, well just ONE person. My kid.

I’m feeling V-E-R-Y conflicted about one of those ridiculously “big” parenting issues. Well, it seems to only be big and controversial here in the US, but I’m talking about co-sleeping. In laymen’s terms, that would be “letting your kid sleep in bed with you.”

There are various reasons people choose to co-sleep or not and the biggest controversies surround infant co-sleeping when there is a supposed danger of rolling over on your tiny little person and smothering it. I’m waaaay past those years and I’m not having anymore kids, so I don’t give a crap about that. I’m talking about Aubrey. My 6, almost 7 year old who has been a champion sleeper all of her life. She still is, for the most part and 99% of her life she has slept independently, in her own room and bed and slept VERY well.

Lately, she has been asking to sleep in bed with me and getting emotional about it. This happens maybe once or twice a week. Generally, I do not cave. I re-state my reasons why and after a hug and kiss and a reminder that I’m right across the hall if she needs me, I close the door on a teary eyed little girl and she is asleep within a minute or too.

Recently, during one of these episodes, I asked her why she wanted to sleep with me so badly, she stated that she didn’t want to be alone. And I said to her, “But you’re not alone! You have Nelly (that’s her security item – an elephant). You have all of your stuffed animal buddies…” And she retorted, wailing, “But I just want to sleep with someone who’s ALIVE!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!” Don’t we all, honey? Don’t we all?

She DOES know how to push my buttons, so it’s a hard call to make. Some nights are more emotional than others and I can tell there is a direct correlation between her non-sleep related anxieties and her level of crying. Tonight, the asking started early and I knew right away it was because she’s thinking ahead about a 10-day trip she is taking with her dad. She loves her dad, but she is already worried about missing me. We had a really great day together today and she was feeling particularly close to me. When she first asked and I told her no, she started to collapse. After some discussion, I finally told myself, “What the fuck? She’s going to be on the trip in 2 nights anyway, so who gives a shit?” (Yes, I do curse that much, even in my own head.) I was also too tired to deal with crazy crying at the end of a long day, so I caved and said yes.

The funny thing is, she’s dead asleep right now and I’m not even with her. I’m in the dining room writing. Honestly, I think she just wants to sleep on my bitchin’ memory foam mattress.

I would never let this become a habit. The only exceptions I have made in the past are when we travel and share a bed in a hotel or my parents’ house, if she is sick (which is rare) or the ONE time she woke up during the night and was scared. I’m not kidding… once. She really is an amazing sleeper and I think a big part of this is because I have worked hard to foster healthy, independent sleeping patterns. I try not to judge anyone who co-sleeps. I don’t know their kid or family situation intimately and it’s your kid. You do what you want. My opinion; what I experienced in my own childhood, heard of from some other close friends’ and witnessed with my own kid, is that allowing long-term co-sleeping fosters and encourages a child to act on and embrace irrational fears. I think it’s super far from the worst thing you can do as a parent and I’m fine with other parents doing it if they feel it’s right for their family. But is sure is hard to say, “no” when they are begging you through teary eyes. And I’m no iron fisted rule-enforcer. Clearly, I said yes, tonight. So what I’m trying to find out now is, how much is too much? What is ok for us?

I’m not asking for you to answer these questions and I’m not even asking for your opinions because clearly, I have my own. But I’m curious – if you’re willing to share and you can DM me if you want – I’d love to hear from you! Can you answer this question for me:

*Did YOU sleep in bed with your parent(s) on a long-term basis as a child and how do you feel about it now as an adult?

*And if you are a parent, did your own sleeping arrangements as a child affect your decisions on sleeping as a parent? Please let me know!

(OK – last blog I stated that the next item on the table was HOMESCHOOLING – but I lied. Homeschooling got preempted by CO-SLEEPING. The HOMESCHOOLING shit hits the fan next. Promise.)

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Tags: Amy Anderson • attachment parenting • Aubrey Anderson-Emmons • co-sleeping • families • family bed • homeschooling • kids • parenting • parents • sleeping