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Nov, 2010

There Will Be Blood!

I was slightly devastated today to learn that McNeil-PPC, Inc is discontinuing manufacture of my brand of tampons: o.b. Yes, those freaky little numbers sans applicator. I LOVE these tampons. How do I love them? Let me count the ways…

1) They are way more absorbent and leak proof than any other tampon I’ve ever tried and since having a child and reaching my late 30s, I bleed like a stuck pig. A stuck pig on its period. TMI? Tough.

2) They are small! Easy to fit into a pocket – even a teeny tiny pocket. I’m an active person and I travel for a living so I don’t always want to lug my purse or a giant tampon around with me, like on stage, when I’m snowboarding or running, riding Tower of Terror at Disneyland… you get the idea

3) No applicator – no extra waste! o.b. tampons are the greenest, most eco-friendly tampon you can find. There are other crazy contraptions like sea sponges and cups that are groovy and all, but sometimes, you just gotta jam and let’s face it, I bleed like a… well, re-read #1.

So McNeil-PPC, Inc., I damn thee to hell! I hate you for making me love you and then walking out on me. I thought we had something real. I guess I’ll just have to go with the flow and find a new slow jam.

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Jul, 2010

Well Bloody Terrific Then

OK, if you have a weak stomach and can’t deal with reality, I would suggest you go back to watching Dancing With the Stars or The Food Network or something, because I’m about to tell it like it is…

I will be turning 38 in less than two months. I gave birth to one child, just over three years ago, I’ve always had a fairly easy time being a woman in the reproductive organ department. Some women have a really hard time – horrible periods, migraines, constipation, IBS, hormonal fluctuations, yeast infections, infertility, fibroids… the list goes on and on. It ain’t always easy owning a vagina and I, for one, have been very fortunate to have a fairly text book health record.

However, I was recently talking to a friend who is the same age as me, and we were commiserating about how weird our periods have been in our late 30s and she said, “We are so peri menopausal.” WHAT?! Really? Is it that time already? As if the fact that my 20th high school reunion is this weekend wasn’t bad enough. Now I have to think about being peri menopausal. Great.

At this point, I’d gladly give away my uterus. Too bad there’s not a market for that organ, I’d have it on Amazon right now. I’m done using it and it’s causing me nothing but pain and inconvenience for the first time since junior high. My cramps are the worst they’ve been in years, my period lasts for about a thousand days and I bleed like I’ve been stabbed in the vagina with a bowie knife. Multiple times. You know how off-putting it is to be in Wal Mart trying to find the BIGGEST tampons in the world? It’s almost as equally as off-putting as having to pay for a warehouse flat of said gigantic tampons each month.

So I decided to Google “symptoms of peri menopause” and apparently, it’s just the same damn symptoms I’ve been having since I first got my period a thousand years ago. Here are some of the old faves:

– Headaches
– Lumpy or tender breasts
– Water retention, bloating
– Mood swings
– Anger
– Difficulty concentrating
– Depression, irritability
– Stress and extreme fatigue

Really? Well if this is the case, I’ve been peri menopausal for quite some time I guess.

Women have always been treated like wilting hysterics and it’s time, for me at least, to just embrace the face that moving towards the middle of life (ACK!) will bring some changes. I needn’t be so shocked or bothered by it all. Let’s just face it: Being emotional and somewhat off center – both physically and emotionally – at any given time, is just a NORMAL part of being female. And this is part of what makes life exciting. Period. Pun completely intended.

If this blog inspired you to share something about your Aunt Flo, please comment below and have a wonderful day!

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